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Star Wars Episode II : Attack Of The Clones

Read safely, possible small spoilers will be announced in time ...

Let's kick in some open doors : the original trilogy is much better than "The Phantom Menace". I think we can all agree on that. Yet, I do not want to scoff at Episode I. All things considered it has got to be a movie which lays down the plotline for 6 movies total. Maybe 9, but that's another story ... Obviously not an easy task.

Off course you'll have different characters here, off course, things wil look different, off course it isn't "A New Hope" or "Empire Strikes Back". If you want those, watch those.

So how does "Clones" stand up against the original trilogy ? Much better than "Phantom". I'd even rate it above "Return Of The Jedi" which was the weakest of the original trilogy for my taste. This time, the Star Wars Universe is really starting to take shape. Many plotkeys are revealed or at least started. There are some new characters, others are developping, you meet some old friends in their younger form and you just know that it's going to end badly. Add some very enjoyable fightscenes and not more than a cameo from JarJar and this episode is ten times what "Phantom" had to be. "Clones" actually gives "Phantom" more credibility. It shows that episode I was just intended to start the whole storyline. Episode I starts the universe, episode II starts the rest : the actual story. And episode III will most probably conclude the Jedi decline and the Empire's first victories. Unless there's gonna be an episode III-B off course.

-- caution : possible small spoilers up ahead --

So what's good about this movie ?

First off, it's much darker - in a way like "Empire" - the pivotal point of the trilogy - was. Whereas in "Empire" things took a turn for the worse, to make a strong 180° in "Jedi", you know Episode III has to end bad. There'll be no 180°. This trilogy will lead to "pain, fear, anger and suffering" - as Yoda would state it. And that's what makes Yoda's final remark in "Clones" all the more chilling.

Next there are the amazing fight scenes. Lucas had said that in this trilogy he wanted to show what real, young Jedi were capable off. Not just the old men and new apprentices from the first trilogy. But people like Qui-Gonn, Obi-Wan in his prime, hell, even Yoda ! In "Phantom" there were the first signs of this. The first fights on the bloccade mothership show impressive speed and skills like burning through steel doors. And in the end Qui-Gonn and later on Obi-Wan kick some serious Darth Maul butt. Too bad Qui-Gonn kicked the bucket there ... Anyway, in "Clones" it's even better. You get more fighting - with and without lightsabres - and you get to see a very long Gladiator style sequence with dozens of Jedi strutting their stuff.

Top that with some intriguing new machines and droids - a lot of ships and stuff are cooler than the ones in "Phantom", they're getting the evil treatment : more evil empire stuff, less Trade Federation wussies - and you have a feast for the eyes. Kinda like the pod-scene is in Episode I. Only better. And there's almost no JarJar - which is good - although he does do something very appalling. In a way he's still messing things up.

And what's bad about this one ?

There's definitely too much CGI. I know that the whole point of these overly luxurious settings is to show the health of the universe under the guidance of the Jedi. Especially in comparison with the filthy, almost middle-ages feel of the original trilogy. There you have a universe in decay, under heavy torture of the empire. So in a way, the CGI's are needed to get this point across, but when they start fiddling with Yoda - one of the most loved characters - you have to feel something crawling up your spine. Yoda looks weird at first - too much movement in his face. We we're used to an old grumpy wise man, with only a small amout of emotion on his face. this was even the case in "Phantom". Now he's all gibberish, the corners of his mouth are moving, he has wrinkles in his face that act ! Now, that's scary. But as with everything, you get used to it. Unless you're a die hard fanatic maybe. But then again, none of the new films will be good enough for those guys.

So, you get a lot of CGI that at first bothers you, but when you consider it, is needed ? That's it ? Nope. There is one scene that just down right sucks and should've been cut. Hell, Lucas should've fired himself for it. Or at least been mind-choked by Vader. What in Vader's name is up with two characters eating floating CGI food ? Damn George, wasn't just slicing them some kind of exotic apple good enough ? Did you really have to imagine some new fruit ? Which by the way looked just like an ordinary mango.

Next up : the love scenes. Well, we had to get them if there are ever going to be a little Luke and Leia. Yet they suck. These scenes are obviously something Lucas can't write and direct. Probably done too many special effects already. Some of it looked like it had been cut out "The Sound Of Music". And that's not good, isn't it ? I'm glad that's almost over.

New characters ? There are a few, like Count Dooku, but he's not as remarkable as Darth Maul. Raved all over the internet for his evilness and good acting, Christopher Lee is just pulling a James Bond in my eyes. He's doing the same thing all of Bond's enemies do when they catch their opponent. They play with him. Now, in my eyes, if you capture an enemy, kill him, don't play with him, he'll escape. And doesn't Bond always escape ? Yes indeedy. Samuel L. Jackson on the other hand is visibly enjoying himself now he can finally wield his lightsabre around. A purple one by the way. It's rumoured the letters BMF were engraved on his sabre. Bad MotherFucker. Ain't that sweet ? What else can you expect from the second Shaft ?

-- end of possible small spoilers --

Oh, and the cutted head-butt ? We have it in the movie over here. It's so short, it's over before you know it, yet kinda essential for that scene. England sucks for cutting it. If you want to see it, you can download it here (712 Kb animated gif). Give it to your friends. Like I care.