| Editorial - 28 February 2006 |
| Still on my emotional exhibitionist streak here. Things just keep flowing out
of my pen and fingers. Maybe finally writing this all down will help ? Don't know. It did for a while
when I mailed a few times a day with some people in december. Let's see what happens this time. Let's
start with the sleeping part. I've always been a crappy sleeper. As a kid I had different kinds of teddybears posted around my bed and to be honest I never put them away on a shelf. They always had room to sit against the backwall next to my pillow. It's a good feeling to have someone watch over you - even if it's just a piece of wool and cotton. When I grew up I started sleeping less and less. I was too old to keep the teddybears in my bed, I was feeling down a lot, or went out too much, cutting in my sleep time. I worried about things and felt empty inside ... I guess that's one of the reasons I adopted the nickname darkman when I was 20. And funny enough, back then, I had a close group of friends. We stood by eachother no matter what. And that felt good. Surely good enough at the time. Someone to hang out with, tell your darkest dreams and thoughts ... share the confusion of growing up and finding your own way. It's not like I locked myself in my room and contemplated a killing spree on my classmates. Hell no, I'm way too gentle for that. People still call me too kind these days. If only they knew the darkness inside ... Anyway, during college I met her. A mutual friend sorta introduced us and I knew from the beginning I had to stay away from her because she was outta my league. But I also knew I was already head over heels in love with her and I couldn't resist entering her life from time to time in the next few weeks. Always being around, letting her know I existed. Make her wonder why the hell I wasn't talking to her. Until she finally had to know and, instead of going to the Gorki concert, showed up at my doorstep. We talked and later that evening we kissed. I'll always think that's when she fell for me. And I fell even more for her. I became a happier person, had less to worry about. I slept better, ate more, graduated easily. All I wanted to do was find a good job and earn enough money to live with her. Didn't matter she was still in college. I'd work and pay the rent. The day she asked me to look for our own place I was happier than ever before. We moved into the first floor of an old house : two big rooms in an L-shape. Felt like a loft now and then. At first we were happy, but two years later I had zero jobsecurity and she was still struggling with her thesis. Communication became crappy but somehow we survived and moved to a real apartment where we spent another three years together. I still slept by her side, unknowing she started to wonder if this was what she wanted. Slowly growing away from me ... And I was so stupid not to see any of the signs - typical for a guy I guess. I'm an idiot. I should've known better. I used to. See, when I grew up, I realized the inherent crappyness of life. No matter what anyone says about this, you can't change my mind ... I'm a "half empty" kinda guy. "The more realistic view on life" I like to call it. At a certain point in time you will be let down. If you expect it, it hurts less. That has always helped keep me going. Loose a friend ? I'll get by after a while. Loose my job ? I'll find something else, or I'll take a vacation at home. Sickness in the family ? Nah ... is not going to happen. And that's why this hurts so much. She leaving me was the only thing I didn't expect. The only thing I wasn't prepared for. The one thing I was optimistic about. And look where that brought me. Straight into what has become the darkest period of my life. And I really don't see the end of it yet. How am I supposed to feel now ? What am I supposed to do ? |
| Editorial - 27 February 2006 |
| It was strange to see I affected so many people with my
photoset
... made some cry or gave 'em goosebumps. I didn't realize the impact this could have on others. I
was only thinking about myself. Even expecting she wouldn't appreciate it and throw it all away, cut
me loose and never call anymore. Something I fear deeply, but at the same time hope to be able to live
with one day. Right now I get sick in my stomach when I think about that. Also still get cold chills
when my cellphone rings and I see it's her. I know she only calls to finalise her move out of our old
apartment, to get the keys and call the landlord, but I have to hold on to whatever I'm sitting on to
keep my mind working. I'm sure I sound distant then 'cause in my head thoughts like "I love you" keep
circling around and I'm afraid to say them out loud. I'm sure she knows I still love her and she must realize I only let her go because she asked me with tears in her eyes ... I only hope she knows the amount of serious pain she's inflicting on me. Not just mentally, physically too. But by now she probably won't care all that much anymore ... |
| Editorial - 21 February 2006 |
| Before I talk some more, I'd like to thank everybody for their kind words, comments and e-mails the past few days. It was unexpected to get them, especially as I made the photoset for myself and for her and not really to show the world what was happening. But I could've guessed at least someone would pick it up and spread the word. So here it is : thank you all. |
| Editorial - 19 February 2006 |
| As sorta promised a few days ago, I have set up some sets of concerts I photographed. As always more will follow. Only did the recent ones. Older ones will follow, but I still have three sets from yesterday-evening to do first. Right now you can find the MTV gigs from Di-Rect and Nailpin. |
| Editorial - 13 February 2006 |
| The concerts have started again. I can keep myself busy again by going there, photographing, selecting some good shots, process them ... and as of lately I'll post 'em all on Flickr. Should post the previous gigs there as well. Makes for an easy starting point. |
| Editorial - 12 February 2006 |
Another one of my pictures has been posted on drieduizend. Which is kinda surprising as I didn't really think that one was any good.
Just a quick shot for myself as everything around me was covered in snow when I woke up a few days ago. |
| Editorial - 8 February 2006 |
| One of the most energetic songs lately is "I'm Not Okay (I Promise)" by an
american band called "My Chemical Romance". It has got such a quick riff and the singer's almost
screaming, but still singing. So much power. Nice. Good to hear good american college-radio bands
again after all the garbage that has been produced on both sides of the ocean. The rest of their album contains a few even better songs and is certainly worth the purchase. Not that I'm going to do that right now as I found a site that's streaming the album on the net. The site contains a few other albums too, even the latest from Depeche Mode. And no, I'm not telling you where. Don't want you all to go there too and clog up the bandwidth. It's mine, all mine. My precious ... |
| Editorial - 5 February 2006 |
| I started writing the previous piece about chinese food on a LAN-party I snuck into because I knew Franky and Manuel were there. Having nothing to do myself and being in a black mood, I went for a drive, took some nightshots with the tripod and ended up smuggling my laptop in the venue. But now I'm back home again and I continue to write this in bed. I always knew I shouldn't buy a laptop because I'd carry it around everywhere I'd go in the house. The kitchen, in the sofa when watching tv, in bed ... luckily I haven't taken it to the bathroom yet. Then again, don't think I'll do that. Too damp and wet. But yeah, shouldn't have bought myself a laptop. A bed is meant for sleeping, not to write a site-update at a quarter past three in the night. |
| Editorial - 4 February 2006 |
| Don't know what it is with me lately - actually I do know but I'm ignoring it - but I seem to be dropping the usual stuff I write about on this site for rants about my personal life. And that's something I always avoided. But since december there have been no movie reviews, almost no songs of the week and no more regular monday updates. The one thing I wasn't going to do on this site - I even wrote a few times about why I wouldn't - has completely taken over : boring you with my personal life. Thank god I also post pictures from time to time I guess. Anyway I've got a new story for you lot. Read it if you want. I'm not a big fan of chinese food. It's to sweet and sourish for me. And a lot of their specials are made with crab or shrimps. Yuk. I seldom ate chinese food unless I made it myself, skimping the sweet and sour flavors. And now I just realized I ordered chinese food for the second saturday in a row. Okay, last week Franky was here and he's a fan of chinese food, so I thought "why not ? nice change", but earlier tonight I ordered out again. Just for me ?! Frigging weirdo. |
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